Why Awareness Training Can Give You A Great Marriage
By Lee Hefner Most people certainly understand what physical fitness training is for. After all, millions join health clubs at the beginning of every year to lose weight and to get in shape. But ask married couples if they have considered awareness training to improve their marriage and theyll give you a blank stare. The truth is, there is a similarity between training to get in shape physically and training yourself mentally and emotionally to enjoy profound emotional intimacy with your spouse. If youve ever worked out in a sport or simply embarked on a physical fitness regimen, you know what its like to put out repetitive effort and feel the physical discomfort of tired muscles and shortness of breath. And you probably got some sense of satisfaction when you saw the results of your effort. The exercise added to your physical sense of health and well being. Now consider conflicts in your own marriage. A couple fighting stirs up strong feelings which is usually uncomfortable emotionally for both people. Many spouses who have the mental discipline to put themselves through tough physical workouts have tremendous difficulty facing upsetting feelings during an argument with their spouse. But the two situations are similar. How so? If you can face the physical pain in running a distance, then you are capable of facing the emotional pain that comes with marital disagreement. And if you can remain present and face those difficult feelings without defensiveness during an argument, you set the stage for a remarkable recovery toward greater intimacy with your spouse. Consider what happens when you have a fight with your spouse. In the middle of an upsetting argument, you have the momentary opportunity to choose how to respond to your spouse who is pressing your emotional buttons. You can react automatically, in which case you might resort to anger and blaming accusations. Or you can stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself Why am I feeling this way? In this moment, you have the unique opportunity to break away from your habitual response and gain insight into yourself. It means you can grow as a person, you can set a positive example for your spouse, and you can improve the richness of your marriage. All you have to do is realize a simple process and work on your self awareness. This process has its roots in cognitive psychology where the basic idea is that your beliefs drive your behavior. For example, imagine a couple named John and Mary who are having a fight over whether or not to go out that evening. At some point, John bites his tongue and becomes aware that he started the fight when he became angry, thinking that Mary wasnt respecting his point of view. Then in a flash of recognition, he realizes that growing up, his father never respected his point of view. John shows vulnerability by sharing this insight with Mary. Mary responds by listening with compassion as John tells his story. Finally John realizes that, deep down, he has harbored a fear that his opinion didnt count. He admits that he started the fight responding to his subconscious fear. John shares this insight with Mary and asks her forgiveness for starting the fight. Mary accepts his apology with appreciation and empathy because she now understands what was behind Johns behavior. This moment is a milestone in reaching a deeper level of emotional intimacy between John and Mary. What made it possible was that John was insightful about his innermost fear, he had the courage and the humility to share it with Mary, and Mary was compassionate in her understanding of his emotional pain. Steps to Deeper Intimacy Would you like to have breakthroughs in your marriage like John and Mary? You can achieve deeper intimacy with your spouse by developing awareness based on these principles: 1. What you get in a marriage usually is in direct proportion to what you give. What goes around generally comes around in relationships. When John started the fight, Mary responded with anger. But when John realized what was behind his feelings and asked forgiveness, Mary responded with compassion. 2. Emotions drive behavior. People behave on the impulse of strong feelings. John had a subconscious fear that his opinions didnt matter. That fear manifested as anger which led to him starting the fight. 3. Thoughts generate emotions. The quality of your thoughts determine the quality of your feelings. Johns subconscious thinking was Mary doesnt value my opinion. This low quality self talk led to his negative feelings. 4. Beliefs spawn thoughts. You generally dont think something unless theres an underlying belief supporting that thought. John had carried an unconscious belief since childhood that had affected his marriage up to that point. This belief set the stage for Johns thoughts of self-doubt. The negative belief that John carried led to behavior that hurt his marriage. This same process affects everyones behavior whether they realize it or not. So, what difference does this process make for you and your marriage? The chain of events that can determine the quality of your marriage are: Beliefs > Thoughts > Emotions > Actions > Results How can you use this knowledge in your marriage? Try these steps: 1. The next disagreement you have with your spouse, stop and take a deep breath. Be willing to face the emotional discomfort calmly without blaming your spouse. 2. Then ask yourself Why do I believe in my point of view? and What thoughts are provoking my emotions? 3. Remember that beliefs are not set in stone. You can change them simply by deciding to do so. 4. Humbly consider whether the fundamental belief that drives your behavior should be changed. Just as in shooting basketball hoops over and over, repetition of this exercise leads to mastery of the technique. And just as the sustained effort required to get in physical shape will give you a sense of physical well being, the sustained effort to master this process can lead to marital well being. Stated another way, these beneficial ideas as applied to your marriage are: Sow a positive belief in your consciousness, reap empowering thoughts. Sow an empowering thought, reap uplifting emotions. Sow an uplifting emotion, reap inspired actions. Sow an inspired action, reap an abundant marriage and life. Lee Hefner is the co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This e-book is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com You can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get weekly ideas and support to help you save your marriage. 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